October 19, 2021

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‘Gutfeld!’ on if Kamala Harris could be president

This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld!” on September 24, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST (on camera): Happy Friday, everyone. 

And boy, is it happy because we’ve got Brian Kilmeade today. Very lucky because he’s been so busy of late.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: He truly has a strong following. Too bad it’s for the birds. But I’m so excited because it’s time for — 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: Red meat Friday.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Every Friday, we deliver you a fresh red meat. So, what a great time to be a Democrat, because with Democrats, anybody can grow up to be president. And I mean anybody.

You can break any law you want and it doesn’t matter, as long as you separate your recyclables and use the correct pronouns, then you’re good to go.

First, there’s Joe. After years of hearing about Trump’s taxes, it turns out, it’s Joe who’s soaking the IRS. So, in addition to the $7 trillion in debt, he just saddled your grandkids with, turns out sleepy Joe might owe

500 large.

Who knew that falling asleep in your soup, forgetting the names of foreign heads of state, and smelling the hair of Oval Office visitors weren’t all tax-deductible.

A new nonpartisan report shows Biden improperly avoided paying Medicare taxes before he took office, which means he could owe as much as $500 grand in back taxes. A half-million dollars buys a lot of Poligrip and Icy Hot patches.

But that guy to cash Joe could order fresh new hair plugs in the shape of a giant ice cream cone and plant them from that shiny liver-spotted dome, all the way down to his vestigial tail. He has a tail.

$500 gs. Hell, that’s enough money to buy one of his son’s paintings.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR (voice over): Yes.

GUTFELD: With a straw. I wonder what Joe has to say about that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR (on camera): Look, look, look, come on, man. I — this is a lot of fuss about nothing. But paying taxes, I haven’t taken a taxi in years. I’m the president of the United States, they send a driver for me. But even back in the day, I took Amtrak.

And these days, I think the young people, they use that Uber. That’s one of those APPs on your phone.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: What it is. Speaking of Hunter, more e-mails have come forth about him, but this time not from Hunter’s server. And when I say his server, I’m not talking destiny his favorite hooker with the glass eye and clubfoot. He has some specific talents.

Two e-mails published by Insider dating back to 2015 when Joe was V.P. has Hunter’s business contacts touting access to his dad. His relationships to then-Secretary of State John Kerry’s stepson, as well as his ties to China.

This is they decided whether to work with Hunter on Olivia deal that would unfreeze billions of that country’s assets. Hunter had also requested a $2 million retainer — yes, retainer, and not for his meth ruined teeth.

But, the hookers then blow, how are they going to pay for themselves. I have years of rejected Fox News expense reports to prove it. Now, I think these e-mails are legit because they also admit the downside of working with Hunter that he’s a drunk, a drug addict, kicked out of the military for drugs, chasing low-class hookers — low-class hookers, and all the other stuff he listed on his resume under professional accomplishments and awards.

It’s funny. I just realized except for the short stint in the army, how much he and Kilmeade have in common.

But what’s with low-class hookers? That sounds redundant. What’s the difference between a low and a high-class hooker? My guess it’s whether they take the Chevron card and leave their teeth in.

Speaking of hookers, drug-addicted family members, and multimillion-dollar government scams, what’s up with the Clintons? Last week, Michael Sussmann, a partner at a law firm representing the Hillary campaign and the DNC was indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of making false statements to the FBI about his clients and their motives behind planting the false rumor at the FBI about that secret Trump-Russia server, which like Hillary’s charm, turned out to never have existed.

The indictment states that Sussmann “coordinated with representatives and agents of the Clinton campaign in regard to materials that Sussmann gave to the FBI and the media.”

And according to the New York Post, one of those agents was Jake Sullivan, the Clinton foreign policy advisor. So, this is not a smoking gun, it’s a freaking flame thrower.

So, the same people that were screaming that Trump stole the election with the help of the Russians, were actually trying to steal an election with the help of fabricated Russians.

Remember, whatever the Dems are accusing you of, they’re doing it themselves. It’s as certain as that law of physics in which a large object at CNN will remain at rest. Unless that state is changed by somebody walking in with a doughnut.

Now, this would be news if it were Trump or any Republican for that matter. 

But it’s a Dems, the coddled class of the media. I wish I knew this sooner. 

Imagine what I could get away with it if I was a Democrat.

I could grab co-workers’ butts all day, and get away with it, and there’s nothing Kilmeade or Watters could do about it. It would be their word against the king of late night’s word.

Who do you think — what do you think wins that battle? I mean, look at Chris Cuomo. He protects a corrupt brother and grabs people’s asses. It’s still found time to order a novelty cue tip.

GUTFELD: Chris Cuomo, so stupid he grabs his old boss’s ass in front of her husband and then writes an e-mail saying, hey, I’m sorry, I grabbed your ass in front of your husband.

I paraphrase that.

Bottom line, when Trump won, the Dems and the media accused him of everything they were doing. Shrinks call this transference, but it’s actually corruption. Dems, the press, and our tech giants working hand in hand to sway an election.

And then they simply applied their sins to the outsider, the orange Godzilla who threaten their power. And you wonder why no one trusts the

2020 outcome. And you see what the Dem’s fight election transparency and voter I.D. It’s because their party is as dirty as the toilet seat in a gas station. Ask Kat about that.

Because without the ability to cover up their crimes, they can’t win. And without the help of the press, they cannot survive. The presses to the Dems with sunlight is to a pot plant. They are dead without it.

ANNOUNCER: Period!

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. It’s the biggest star of “FOX AND FRIENDS”. But enough about Ainsley Earhart, she was on last night. So, we got this guy instead. Co-host of “FOX AND FRIENDS” Brian Kilmeade.

This Kennedy will never leave you in a car in the river. Host of “KENNEDY” 

on Fox Business, Kennedy.

He could never be a NASCAR driver because he stopped turning left years ago. Editor-in-chief of Outspoken Chadwick Moore.

And she’s on this show as part of a work-release program. Fox News contributor Kat Timpf.

So, Brian must feel really good to go on a hit show.

BRIAN KILMEADE, HOST, FOX NEWS CHANNEL (on camera): Right. Well, it’s been about six hours. So — and, of course, they had the radio show, so, it’s probably even less time than that.

Question is, what I’ve been in the monologue whether he’s here or not. I thought I’ve already been on the show.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KILMEADE: And I’ve actually not contributed in it.

TIMPF: You’re welcome.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

KILMEADE: Yes, it was — it was going on with this.

GUTFELD: I’m your anti-P.R. campaign.

KILMEADE: Right, it’s pretty much.

GUTFELD: I was trying to undo your careers show by show.

KILMEADE: Right.

GUTFELD: Nothing left.

KILMEADE: It’s a push-pull.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KILMEADE: I get some momentum and they get destroyed at 11:00 at night. And it’s every day, and I have to get up in the morning, and then I’m always minus five.

GUTFELD: I just want to know what you do in between “FOX AND FRIENDS” and this show, because it’s — what do you — what do you go, do you sleep under a couch?

KILMEADE: Well, I haven’t. I — we have a big decision on Fox. We have do we get a cabinet for additional clothing or do we get a couch? I chose the couch, you chose?

GUTFELD: I sleep in the cabinet.

KILMEADE: You sleep in the — 

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Yes, yes.

KILMEADE: So, you’ve — 

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: When they always asked me, you do — would you want women in your cabinet? I say, hell, yes.

Don’t you think it’s a good thing that all Hunter’s problems as well are all well-known because now there’s no possibility for extortion or blackmail?

KILMEADE: Well, and it’s true. It’s just that he’s — that’s a big head fake. As soon as you start talking about Hunter and (INAUDIBLE) like, hey, he’s got an addiction. We’ve all had an addiction. Let’s stop the story. 

The story is how it links to that. And they used to stop there.

But then, POLITICO says, wait a second, I could get a best-selling book if I read about the Bidens. So, this one reporter does one book about the Bidens. And in there, they weave in, oh, by the way, the e-mails were real.

GUTFELD: Bam.

KILMEADE: Only a year late.

GUTFELD: Yes — 

(CROSSTALK)

KILMEADE: And we’ve already elected them. Now, if things continue to go bad and they think Kamala Harris can do it, watch all of a sudden more truth come out. And suddenly, realize that Joe Biden’s the person the New York Post told us he was.

GUTFELD: Right.

KILMEADE: And that is corrupt, scandalous, and his son is the good — is actually the nicest guy in the family.

GUTFELD: Well, you know what? I am beginning to think I’m starting to develop a kind of a manly crush on Hunter because it’s — I just find every new information exciting. But that’s for — and that’s not even a question, more like a confession.

We always make fun of Biden for his naps, but what if he didn’t nap? 

Because, like, he’s only awake for 30 minutes a day in the — in the — in the — in the — in the places — in the shambles. It’s in a shambles, Kennedy.

LISA KENNEDY, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST (on camera): Yes. No, he’d be — he’d be the crypt.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KENNEDY: So, he does need a cot.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KENNEDY: And that’s fine. I still think it’s cute that, you know, little grandpa’s snooze (INAUDIBLE) is the president of the United States, the most powerful man in the world. And put in any time go — with his finger on the nuclear button, and you know, we’d — 

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Do you think — 

KENNEDY: We’d all be annihilated. So, very — 

(CROSSTALK)

KILMEADE: Don’t worry, Mark Milley will stop him from hitting that.

KENNEDY: Low stakes — yes, Milley. Good lord, Millie. Yes, where was Milley when Hunter was out boozing and flossin?

GUTFELD: Yes.

KENNEDY: Why wasn’t — why wasn’t Milley, his body man throwing himself in front of that grenade?

GUTFELD: Yes.

CHADWICK MOORE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF OUTSPOKEN: I’m not sure.

KENNEDY: And I actually think that Joe Biden is smarter than we give him credit for. The reason that they have spent the last six months completely undermining Kamala Harris, and making her a totally worthless political prospect is because they knew all of this was going to drop.

GUTFELD: Right.

KENNEDY: They knew this POLITICO reporter was working on the book. They knew they were going to substantiate all of the e-mails, and there’s no propaganda that Jen Psaki can deliver, that is going to turn this train around. Because, you know, they are on the fast track to hell, in terms of the administration. So, maybe he was doing that. So, he’s the only viable option because she is so tarnished. She can’t be president.

GUTFELD: I sometimes wonder with Joe wakes up and thinks this is all a dream. No. Chadwick, is it time to impeach him given all this information? 

Because if it were Trump, he’d be impeached on — 

(CROSSTALK)

CHADWICK MOORE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF OUTSPOKEN: He’s time is over.

GUTFELD: Or (INAUDIBLE).

MOORE: Yes. I mean, we’re only ever going to know the very tiny tip of the iceberg of this. I mean, there are people who know exactly what’s going on with the Bidens, and they’re all foreign actors, and in Russia, and China, and now Libya, and who knows what else.

I just keep thinking back to the creepy Hillary Clinton moment where the — we came, we saw he died.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: About Gaddafi?

GUTFELD: Right.

MOORE: And by the way, it was the world’s best-dressed dictator. That’s all I would — I would said.

GUTFELD: That’s a low bar, but you’re right.

MOORE: Yes. And here is Hillary, the world’s worst-dressed aspiring dictator.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: I just — that’s what I should like it.

But it was — we never knew why he had to die. And now — and we’ll never know now, but now we know that there are all these Democrat Party donors that for some reason, have interest in these assets that were freeze up in Libya.

Will he be impeached? Probably not.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: Should he? I mean, if Republicans behave like Democrats anyway.

GUTFELD: Yes, we are — we are not — we’re not into impeaching.

MOORE: Yes.

GUTFELD: I just — I’m not even into impeaching, because I honestly don’t –

– I don’t think there’s that much destructive, destructive this left and Joe. Do you think it could get worse? You saw — I mean, it’s been nine months. It’s like it’s fast forward in destruction.

TIMPF (on camera): Yes. I never ever say that something can’t get worse. 

Because it can.

GUTFELD: Yes, I’ve been to the dermatologist.

TIMPF: OK, well, sorry about that. I’m going earlier next time. Modern — 

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: It keeps coming back.

TIMPF: Well, that’s what will happen. Look, impeachment, I just think we should live, you know, in a country and under a system where the executive doesn’t have so much power, that it would really matter that much, even who the president is, because it’s not supposed to matter that much who the president is.

George Washington didn’t want to be president. They should be thinking about minimizing their power. But, of course, we don’t do that. And you know, everybody just wants to depend on the government for everything.

GUTFELD: Well, how do you feel about Chris Cuomo, the latest news, anything?

TIMPF: I — that e-mail, it was putting it in e-mail. And then, he also had several misspellings and grammar errors about this apologizing for this very serious thing. I bet you they left out the bottom that said, sent from my iPhone.

KENNEDY: But back in 2005, they didn’t have spellcheck. They didn’t even have computers.

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true.

KENNEDY: So, he — yes.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes, so — 

KENNEDY: So, they — he had no mechanism for a quick (INAUDIBLE).

KILMEADE: I don’t even know the point.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: He had — 

KILMEADE: What’s the point of that editorial?

GUTFELD: I don’t know. What do you mean?

KILMEADE: Because she says I want him to stay at CNN forever. Shelley Ross

(INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: All right, right.

KILMEADE: He — don’t want you to stay there forever. But I just wanted to tell you one time at a party he did this, and he wore a shirt called the truth. And his — and his brother had a bunch of accusations. That when I was done with this, I needed to shower, but I don’t know why.

GUTFELD: Well, at least when something got you to shower.

All right, we got to move on. Up next, vice border rules can’t be enforced. 

So, he blames it on a horse, of course.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Biden confuses whips for reins, which is easy when you have — for brains.

Yes. I hope you don’t believe that. But you will. Images like these whipped the mainstream media and Democrats into a stupid frenzy. They claimed racist Border Patrol agents were whipping Haitian migrants not true. As you already know, because you’re not a moron.

The whips were actually reins. You know, those things Joe Biden would be holding if he knew how to run the country. It’s true, media reports that agents on horseback were using whips and ropes on illegals turned out to actually be a load of horse crap.

And, in fact, these agents were actually saving lives using rope and or long reins.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I’d like to show you another video if we could where we saw actually one man start to be swept down the river. He was clearly not a good swimmer. Several Haitian migrants went in after him to try and help them. But ultimately, it was the Border Patrol.

Several agents on the other side of the river who took a line through it into the river and they were ultimately able to help that man that migrant get out of the water.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That sits in MSNBC is stating they tried to whip the man who was drowning. They were whipping the man who was drowning. That’s a terrible thing. But the truth doesn’t matter when you need to deflect from your massive failures.

Now, the “White House says border officials will no longer use horses.”

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: It was horrible what you see — as you saw. To see people treat it like they did, horses barely running them over, people being strapped. It’s outrageous. I promise you, those people will pay. They will be an investigation underway now and there will be consequences.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Those people will pay for doing their damn jobs. The job that you won’t do. You festering gob of nonsense.

So, the solution to the border crisis is banning horses. What’s next? Let’s cure COVID by banning bats?

Joe’s had some stupid ideas before, but that one’s borderline crazy. We asked a horse what he made of all this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: That Joe Biden, when I hear horses, I asked I get turned on, but not with this guy. From Mr. Ed, he’s Mr. Brain dead. If it weren’t for Biden’s border crisis, I’d be eating fresh oats, and so when my wild wants, you know what to me?

Thanks, Greg. I’ll see you at jockey training tomorrow. And remember, you got to ride on top this time.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Thanks, Billy Biscuit. Meanwhile, the New York Post reports thousands of Haitian migrants have vanished via the White House’s math. Of course, that same White House math is telling us we need to spend $3.5 trillion on masks and hand sanitizer.

Jen Psaki threw around a bunch of numbers yesterday, but don’t — they don’t add up to the A.P. count? Why do I get the feeling every time Jen Psaki reads a statement that contains math that I’ve just been sold a defective used car?

Meaning, around 5,400 migrants are unaccounted for and may have disappeared into the U.S. Fortunately, our vice president is on top of all of it on daytime T.V.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

KAMALA HARRIS, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I’ve been very clear about the images that you and I both saw of those law enforcement officials on horses. I was outraged by it. I — it was horrible and deeply troubling. 

As we all know, it also evoked images of some of the worst moments of our history, where that kind of behavior has been used against the indigenous peoples of our country, has been used against African Americans during times of slavery.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: What a puppet. But it was a slick move by Kamala. The best way to look smarter is go on “The View” which is hosted by idiots. Kennedy, you know?

Kennedy, Biden turned the horses into goats. Scapegoats.

KENNEDY: Oh, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes!

KENNEDY: And now, they’re gaslighting, because the humanitarian crisis is these policies and executive orders that have signaled to people, you know, Haitians going through Brazil and Panama, people from all sorts of Central American countries and Mexico, that the U.S. southern border is open.

We don’t have any system in place for vetting people. We don’t have any way of trying to figure out you know, which businesses need seasonal laborers? 

You know, how many people can — we handle in this country? That there’s none of that. There’s no system in place at all whatsoever.

And the humanitarian crisis is people sending children alone. Children who are trafficked, and sexually abused, and those who disappear whose names we never hear. That’s the humanitarian crisis.

And they take one image, and they bastardize it. And they use the term humanitarian crisis for the ultimate gaslighting hoping that it changes the conversation just enough that we stopped talking about this, and we stopped talking about Afghanistan.

GUTFELD: It is — it’s hard to laugh at this. Because you — you’re watching what they’re doing. Chadwick, it’s like — it’s just — it’s like, how can they do this? There have been six months a year of disturbing footage of what’s going on the border, but they just needed that one image to implicate a white guy on a horse.

MOORE: Exactly. Talk about rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic as it sinks, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: First of all, Kamala Harris’ law enforcement on horseback chasing down criminals is sexy and badass. I’m sorry, keep the horses. That’s my opinion on that one.

And anyone who believes that they were whipping — imagine how polluted your brain has to be.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: When you hear that, it’s that picture like, oh yes, of course, you know, bro, America is so racist, of course, they’re whipping people.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: Relax. You know, it just makes no sense whatsoever. And it’s — and all they need was that one image? You’re exactly right.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. And it is transference because I seem to remember that it was the Dems that were defending slavery, and therefore, defending the whipping of slaves.

MOORE: Right.

GUTFELD: Kat, you know, Kamala was on “The View”. Do you think she found out the root causes of its stupidity?

TIMPF: Well, that’s the place to go.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes!

TIMPF: I, I am just done with the — narrative that Democrats care so much about immigrants. They don’t — they care about looking like they care about immigrants.

And this is the perfect example of that because you know, if — I would love to see any one of these top Democrat politicians go down there to the border, and go like that, first of all, won’t happen, but just let’s pretend together.

And tell one of these Haitian migrants. Look, we’re deporting you, but you won’t have to see a horse on the way.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like, like, there not — no one is going to say thank you.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. It’s definitely an attack on horses, Brian.

Have you noticed in almost every conflict that Joe never sides with the American? It’s bizarre and it’s because whoever is controlling him is anti- American.

KILMEADE: Right.

GUTFELD: Whoever that is.

KILMEADE: He — you know, for the most part, you have a police chief, there’s a controversial situation, they’ll say we got to get to the bottom of it. But you know, my officers are working hard in daily basis.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

KILMEADE: Depression they’re under is hard to imagine. Instead, you have him embrace the — embrace the idea of speaking about the border, only because he saw something negative.

This is the same guy. He’s disgusted by this, but he was also the one who gave the order to drawn seven kids.

GUTFELD: Is he killed those kids.

KILMEADE: Then, they’ll get his — kids, they have been kids, and they’re dead, was an ally.

GUTFELD: Has he talk to — has he talk — he’s spent more time on this one image. False image. Then, he has talking about those dead children that he drowned.

KILMEADE: What about we won’t — we only left 10 percent behind?

GUTFELD: Yes.

KILMEADE: He is the man like Eisenhower who hardly left 10 percent behind in World War II. So, he left all these people behind wants to move on because he ended the war in Afghanistan.

And at which time, if you’re a Border Patrol agent, you’re underpaid, underappreciated, and you’re overworked. And then you hear that you are the problem, and now you are desk duty, as we just — we impound your horse.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KILMEADE: Have you ask them why they’re on the horses, because the terrain is so tough? And did you hear this? The Haitians evidently are harassing the people who are giving them their desk passes to let them go into the interior. Because in fifth — they don’t want to wait 15 minutes.

GUTFELD: Wow.

KILMEADE: It takes 15 minutes to process them, and they’re getting hostile. 

So, now we’re quickly putting them into the interior. And that’s in minimum 5,400.

They’re mad that we brought him back to Haiti. So, they attack two ICE agents and the pilot.

GUTFELD: Yes.

KILMEADE: And no one talks about that.

GUTFELD: No, because as long as you can get that one image that implicates law enforcement, that’s all you need.

All right, up next, advice on snogging from the land of logging.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Health officials admit it’s OK to swap spit. Health experts in Oregon say it’s totally fine to kiss on the first date as long as you’re both vaccinated. And depending on infection, hospitalization rates next week, it might be OK to try for a second base.

And if you’re married, it’s now OK to resume grunting at each other on your way to the bathroom. But this actually is far more risky than the state’s previous advice on the matter, which was to avoid kissing anyone who is not part of your small circle of close contacts. For Kat, that means anyone you see on a regular basis at the liquor store.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Thanks guys, love you.

GUTFELD: But what is a small circle of human contacts? It sounds like advice for people who find dates at their family reunions. Anyway, other tips include meeting your love interests outdoors to minimize the chance of spreading COVID which only makes it easier for perverts like Kilmeade to film you.

Finally, they suggest that date friendly outdoor activities in Oregon include things like running a 5K, or attending a concert in the park or looting an appliance store.

That’s what happens when they loot Kennedy. Kennedy, apparently when Portland said it was OK to kiss, Antfa said what’s kissing? 

LISA KENNEDY-MONTGOMERY, FOX BUSINESS NETWORK HOST: Yes, they smell so bad. 

And when I think of Antifa, you know, I think of a feces circle, you’re talking about your inner circle. And then, when I think of Oregon and Portland, I’m from Portland, so I’ve seen all of this firsthand. I think of a drum circle and reminds me of one of my favorite jokes, what’s worse than a drum circle? 

KENNEDY: What? 

MONTGOMERY: Sounds like, this government will stop at nothing to put its hand all the way up your body politic. So, they’ll come in and bugger your person, but they will tell you over the blouse not under the shirt. 

GUTFELD: Yes.

MONTGOMERY: And definitely nothing south of the border.

GUTFELD: There’s like six jokes and I’m not going to say any of them, Kat. 

Who are they doing any kissing Portland?

TIMPF: I’m married, so no one. Kissing is gross, though. If you think about it, like should any of us really be kissing at all? 

GUTFELD: We use this thing for our mouth. 

TIMPF: It’s disgusting. I have done it, right. It’s kind of gross. I just, yes, I think that these people who wrote this, they are getting paid to do so by Portland tax dollars that drives like — what are their meetings like? Should we tell them they can kiss now if they want to? You know, I just — you should just fire them all. 

GUTFELD: Fire them all.

TIMPF: Fire them all. 

GUTFELD: You know, Brian, it seems to be that Portland has, has created more rules for personal behavior than criminal behavior. Would you agree with that red meat phrase?

BRIAN KILMEADE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Kat, I just want to know, does he show when — does he apologize to us at the end of the show? Because deductions are so personal. 

TIMPF: I haven’t gotten an apology. It’s only been six and a half year. 

KILMEADE: OK. I just want to know if I should stick around in the end. A couple of things —

GUTFELD: Look, I did your silly little show.

KILMEADE: What, which one? 

GUTFELD: I don’t know.

KILMEADE: So, so, Greg, this was a reaction that people of Oregon had no choice. They had to take action because the numbers are getting out of control. And it turns out, 204 people have lost their lives most are at in their 80s.

GUTFELD: Yes. 

KILMEADE: So, you have to stop the teenagers from kissing, they had no choice. But no, this is, this is I find absolutely amazing that they’re actually doing this. But they left a meeting say to themselves, perfect. 

This is the only choice we had to read, to actually regulate people’s personal behavior on their own. And if you do walk home with a ticket for kissing somebody out of your circle, do you have a court appearance you plead not guilty? Do you retain a lawyer for this? This is incredible. 

TIMPF: Surprised you didn’t tell people you can kiss with masks on. 

GUTFELD: Yes, like the Harris.

CHADWICK MOORE, EDITOR, OUTSPOKEN: (INAUDIBLE) was so thrilled when I told them we could take our masks off to make out now.

GUTFELD: The Port Authority Bus Station bathroom doesn’t count Chadwick. 

What — I’ve insulted everybody but Kennedy. I’m afraid of Kennedy because she runs triathlons. I don’t want to get — she’s going to beat the crap out of me. 

MONTGOMERY: All right, you like a CBP horse, Greg.

GUTFELD: All right, Chadwick, doesn’t Oregon have some bigger things to worry about than people kissing? 

MOORE: No, it’s a democrat state, of course they have anything they’re going to worry about. The controlling what you do, do you remember the New York — well the New York City during lockdown, the New York City Health Department issued this guide for like safe sexual contact and it was like

(BLEEP) are OK, (BLEEP). You know of course you should be masturbating more and having like cam sex and whatever. I don’t want the government, I don’t want to know if the government knows that these things are you know, even though even the Portland Web site had something about (BLEEP). 

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: The appropriate way to do that. It’s disgusting. 

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes, you’ve mentioned it on this show. And now I’ve got to explain it to people by going to my Web site.

I have a rule, Chadwick. I don’t want to be aroused by government instructions.

TIMPF: Hard not to be though. 

GUTFELD: It is. 

MONTGOMERY: I’ll take you to the Bronx zoo and show you the gorillas.

GUTFELD: Yes, it was an interesting thing that happened at the Bronx Zoo today. 

TIMPF: I’m happy for them. 

GUTFELD: We can’t show that on TV, or can we? On “FOX AND FRIENDS” tomorrow morning, Google Bronx Zoo Gorillas. 

KILMEADE: OK. 

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, it’ll be, it’s perfect. 

TIMPF: Lead off with it. Beginning of every hour. 

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. Coming up, as if COVID isn’t bad enough, it causes shortage of the harder stuff.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: It’s harder to get pickled and drinkers aren’t tickled. The pandemic has left a myriad of unintended consequences in its wake including a liquor shortage in some states. Disturbing reports of empty liquor store shelves, I can’t get it. In Vermont, from Vermont, to New Jersey and Ohio, an actual state Brian, get off your phone. It’s not, it’s not clear. 

KILMEADE: I don’t know I was going to be reprimanded during your monologue.

GUTFELD: It’s not clear when supply will be able to meet the demand. So, stock up on that delicious antifreeze and sterno, your office holiday party will thank you. The situation is so dire that in Pennsylvania, a state, officials announced they were limiting customers to two bottles of certain alcoholic beverages per day, including Hennessy Cognac, Buffalo Trace Bourbon, and Patron Tequila, just two bottles a day, Patron. 

If you listen two bottles a day, if you listen closely, you can hear the faint cries of an anguished Chris Cuomo producer. Reasons for the shortage includes supply chain problems, higher import costs and questionable COVID home remedies that involve ever clear enemas, which will definitely get you clear just don’t let any farts indoors, Kat.

TIMPF: Yes, Greg. I like farts indoor.

GUTFELD: No, is this is this troubling you? I was going to you for a question, but I’m glad you admitted that.

TIMPF: Yes. Yes, I’ve burned down several homes. OK. Well, it’s the government’s fault. 

GUTFELD: OK. 

TIMPF: In a big way. And you say when will supply meet demand, when that matters, OK? Because this is a biggest problem in the states where the government controls liquor sales and controls pricing, and that’s why South Carolina has booze on the, on the shelf that can’t be in North Carolina, because South Carolina has privately controlled and own liquor stores. And I know that I say it’s the government’s fault a lot, Greg, but it often usually is. 

GUTFELD: It’s almost always the government’s fault. Brian, my solution is legalization to unburden the overworked liquor industry. We need to make the other substances that give us a sense of pleasurable oblivion. What if I don’t like booze? But I like to you know some other things?

KILMEADE: So, create a, create competition. 

GUTFELD: Yes. 

KILMEADE: So, make LSD easier to get. 

TIMPF: Absolutely. 

KILMEADE: Make — grow your own pot. I also think that if you grow up in the 80s or you grew up watching old movies, you know to things to keep yourself alive. Should this shortage ever happen again? Number one, remember Ulysses, they taught us how to speak the Cyclops by walking on grapes making your own wine. In the 1980s, Mash told you, you can sit in a tent and make your own liquor. Don’t tell me you can’t believe in yourself, learn from fiction and sitcoms and you can drink.

TIMPF: I thought he was going to say drink hand sanitizer. 

GUTFELD: That’s amazing. You’re right. I’m so surprised and grateful when Brian adds something to the show.

KILMEADE: But you asked me back all the time. 

GUTFELD: I do, I do —

TIMPF: You keep coming back. 

KILMEADE: Why do I? I’m going to fire my agent.

GUTFELD: So, Chadwick, here’s a question that if something were to disappear in a permanent shortage, what would destroy you? Would it be alcohol?

MOORE: Well, my white claws aren’t affected. So, that’s my — Alpha Seltzer that is —

Wait, a lot of the really expensive alcohols that are, that are being affected by it. Also, I come from a long tradition of moonshiners and an appellation, so we’re going to be fine. But obviously, it’s the fan.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MOORE: Or there’s heroin. 

GUTFELD: Yes, there is. 

MOORE: There is heroine. 

GUTFELD: If you’re lucky. I’m not joking. Kennedy.

MONTGOMERY: I blame the kids. 

GUTFELD: I do too. 

MONTGOMERY: You know why? Because the kids have been soaking their tampons in Teetos, and then they put in places that we shouldn’t talk about on a family program. Here, I can tell you they put them up their butts. And — 

GUTFELD: Is this true? 

TIMPF: Yes.

MONTGOMERY: Yes. Absolutely — yes, thank you. I got an Amen and Hallelujah, and that is that, and so they’re the ones that have been burning through the good hooch because anyone who’s ever been a teenager or has teenagers, you know, teenagers are dumb, and they always go for the good booze first. And so, that’s the stuff that’s gone right away and you can’t get your Patron Silver in a pandemic.

GUTFELD: So, a feminine hygiene product, it’s soaked in a tequila and then inserted in an orifice gives you a different kind of high?

MONTGOMERY: It’s actually vodka, not tequila. But yes, allegedly.

GUTFELD: I do not approve. I condemn this wholeheartedly.

Up next. Fresh from the fridge, some jokes that miss —

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) 

GUTFELD: We cover a lot every week not every glorious joke makes it in But lucky for you these jokes get a second chance and their own Friday segment called. 

ANNOUNCER: “GREG’S LEFTOVERS.”

GUTFELD: Leftovers can be great or they can suck but you never know when to dig in, so here we go. By the way, I have not seen any of these, or the ones they picked. First up, Justin Trudeau struggling to speak. 

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP) 

JUSTIN TRUDEAU, CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER: I will never apologize for standing up for LGDP, LDG, LDG, LGBTQ-Plus kids’ rights to not have to undergo conversion therapy. 

(END VIDEO CLIP) 

GUTFELD: Well, he’s either having a stroke or giving away his ATM password. 

Justin if you get U, R, S, T, U, V, you’ve gone too far. Hey, those Canadian DWI tests are tough. Don’t feel bad Canada, that’s how our president sounds all the time.

A new poll shows Trump is now more popular than Biden. So, remember, when you cast your ballot for president, save the receipt.

Go when your approval rating hits your cholesterol number, cell. Of course that’s just in the U.S. Joe’s approval ratings are higher than ever in Russia, China and Afghanistan.

The ACLU altered a quote by the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg replacing all female pronouns with gender-neutral ones. Meanwhile, the ACLU social media team is brainstorming even more tweeted deletions to come focusing on pop music. There’s Shania Twain smash hit “Person, I feel like a person.” Or how about Z.Z. tops classic, sharp dressed non-cisgendered human. 

And who could forget Queens’ healthy at any size, the bottom non-binary. 

And then there’s Bruce Springsteen’s epic rock hit, birthed in the land forcefully taken over by the native tribes by the white European devils.

Bernie Sanders at this year’s inauguration is now a sexy Halloween costume. 

It’s a perfect costume to wear when you tell kids to stop hitting the wiffle ball into your yard. You can really feel the burn because the costume is highly flammable. That’s funny. 

If you can’t afford the Bernie costume you can save money on the Governor Andrew Cuomo outfit. The pants are half off. But it’s actually the second sexiest Halloween costume this year after Hunter Biden’s laptop hooker.

Speaking of which, the existence of Hunter Biden’s laptop has been confirmed by Politico. Even those guys who took a hammer to Hillary Clinton’s cell phone said yes, this looks like the real deal. The way they caught Hunter is he decided to go for the two-year extended warranty. There was some confusion as many people referred to the prostitute in the video as Hunters lap-top.

Former TV executive is accusing Chris Cuomo of sexual harassment after he grabbed your butt at a work party. Cuomo apologized saying sorry, I thought you were myself. That’s funny.

Cuomo added, it was nothing sexual, squeezing butts is part of his new bicep routine. That’s good. 

Chris is confident the allegations won’t ruin his T.V. career, or his plans to run for governor.

Timely coverage from CNN this week they put up an article about the sex lives of dinosaurs. Apparently, most dinosaurs prefer to do it Pterodactyl style. Researching dinosaur sex can mean only one thing: they found Nancy Pelosi’s OnlyFans page. I pay 20 bucks a month to not view that content. 

A new poll shows Donald Trump with a 10-point lead in a hypothetical 2024 election, making Joe Biden the lamest president since James Buchanan, who Joe narrowly lost to in 1856.

Finally, Daniel Craig says the next James Bond shouldn’t be a woman. Great, just what we need, a James Bond who could jump out of a plane without a parachute and live and hold off a gang of evil robots with a tiny gun, but can’t parallel park.

TIMPF: I mean, I can’t parallel park. 

GUTFELD: You can’t drive.

TIMPF: No. Well, not anymore. 

GUTFELD: Yes. Why, did they take away your license? 

TIMPF: No, I still have it. I just don’t know how to do it. It’s been a long time. 

GUTFELD: You could learn. 

TIMPF: I could, but why would I? 

GUTFELD: That’s right. You’re married now. 

TIMFP: Exactly. 

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: To a man who is real. 

GUTFELD: Yes, not completely made up at all. He can drive, you can cook. 

The way God intended it. 

TIMPF: I don’t cook either. I don’t cook either. I don’t what I am.

GUTFELD: A sexist would say that. 

TIMPF: I don’t cook either. I don’t know what I add to the marriage. To be completely honest, but he did it on purpose. So —

GUTFELD: There you go. All right, I learned so much. Don’t go away. We’ll be right back. 

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Got time for one final thought. Brian. 

KILMEAD: The President of Freedom Fighter Tour is ready to go. It’s going to start in November. I want to see in Ponte Vedra, Florida; Clearwater, Florida; as well as in West Virginia over in Charleston, and don’t forget about Orlando I hear Disney is closed go to BrianKilmeade.com and see what I’m like in person. You could actually touch me, I just rather you don’t.

GUTFELD: Excellent. I’ll be there. I’m lying. Set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Kennedy, Brian Kilmeade, Chadwick Moore, Kat Timpf, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

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