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Did you hear the Hunter Biden laptop is real? Oh, and this just in too — so is 50 percent of Kat’s hair.
Take a breath. It really is amazing. After the contentious 2020 election and more denial than Charlie Sheen at an AA meeting, The New York Times now admits, “Sure, OK, that laptop full of politically damning stuff about Joe and Hunter Biden is more legit than M.C. Hammer at the ’91 Grammys.” That’s an old reference.
Of course, this is nearly two years after an election that Joe might have lost if all that info hadn’t been buried by the media and tech industries at the behest of their buddies in the Democrat political machine.
So now a massive report on the ongoing federal probe into Hunter’s taxes has confirmed that yes, the infamous laptop indeed exists.
In other news, Putin is psychotic, Biden is old, and I collect water from used water beds. It’s delicious. A lot of fiber.
Of course, we all knew this, but if we brought it up, we’d be mocked and banned. But the New York Post was right all along when in October 2020, they reported that Hunter ditched his laptop in a Delaware repair shop back in April 2019, and it contained enough filth to make Pornhub wish they were Christian Mingle.
Besides hardcore porn films starring Hunter himself — my favorite, “Who Is My Daddy?” “Hunter the G——,” and of course, “The Big Guy.”
The laptop also contained financial documents in messages between Hunter, his family, and business associates. You know, the kind who still wear beepers.
It all showed how the future president’s son used his pop as political leverage in gaining overseas business dealings involving everyone from China to, yes, even Ukraine.
Talk about collusion. Except no, you couldn’t talk about this collusion. The one where the Big Guy, a.k.a. Joe, a.k.a. the Scratch-and-Sniffer, stood to make millions off Hunter making it rain.
Hunter was like one of the strippers he b—–. He’d show up, wiggle his a–, i.e., his connection to daddy, and the green would flow. He wasn’t just a son, he was a table dancer from the VIP room, climbing all over the laps of foreign powers in exchange for padding his dad’s bank accounts. Makes selling your nose doodles at an art gallery look respectable.
FLASHBACK: BIDEN OFFICIALS PUSHED ANGLE THAT HUNTER LAPTOP WAS ‘RUSSIAN DISINFO’
I wonder what Joe has to say about the laptop now.
FAUX PRESIDENT BIDEN: Yeah, I remember when a computer used to take up a whole room, and now they got ’em so small, and you can work all day on your lap. And no, I’m not surprised Hunter had one of these things. He always had the latest technology. I remember one time he had this device he could fit right in your pocket, and I said, “Hunter, what is that?” He said, “Dad, I use that to smoke crack cocaine.” And I said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don’t need to know what you’re doing in your private life. Just make sure I get 10 percent.”
But hey, his dad’s right. After all, he bets everybody knows somebody somewhere along the line.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: I bet everybody knows somebody somewhere along the line that’s in an intimate relationship. What happened was, the guy takes a revealing picture of his naked friend or whatever in a compromising position, and then literally sends blackmails or mortifies that person. Send it out. Put it online.
Just read it in a magazine at the dentist’s office — you hear about this thing?
Now you’d think Joe might see the hypocrisy in all that. Everybody knows somebody who’s been filmed in compromising positions.
Well, maybe so, but they didn’t write, act, direct and pay the other actors in blow.
Yes, it’s your son, and he was doing the filming and the acting, and also the blow. Maybe he does have a future in Hollywood.
So what and who is being compromised here? The hookers, the drug dealers, the Motel 6s?
No, it was the Biden family, Hunter, then Joe, then ultimately the presidency. Not exactly a simple case of sexting or revenge porn.
I wonder how many people had to be paid off because of that compromised situation, which is why that laptop had to be dead and buried like it was friends with Hillary Clinton.
And it’s why you don’t know Jack about the others in the sex tapes or the drug dealers. But unlike Joe’s teeth, the laptop — it’s real. Of course, it doesn’t matter now, does it? Well, it kind of does.
Would Putin have invaded Ukraine if Trump were still in office? Even Dems have asked that question because everyone knows you need a bada– to deal with a psychopath.
And Putin isn’t some fictional character named Corn Pop.
But Trump’s not in office — Joe is. And he got there because a cabal of like-minded Democrats, media titans and Never-Trumper Republicans made it so by burying the laptop like a dismembered gangster and then censoring anyone who dared bring it up.
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Twitter and Facebook suspended the New York Post for covering this story. Then they suspended and blocked users for even mentioning it.
If you wanted collusion, it was staring back at you from your iPhone.
Meanwhile, dirt bags like the president of Iran could spew from their Twitter accounts without interruption.
And now, a year and a half later, what do we have? Inflation. Crime. Perhaps even a world war. Don’t blame me. I didn’t vote for Biden, but nearly everyone in my industry did.
And now we got a war on Joe’s watch — like so many other things that really, really suck.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening commentary on the March 17, 2022, edition of “Gutfeld!”