April 13, 2024

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‘Gutfeld!’ on evolution of moderate Democrats

This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld” on November 11, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST (on camera): Happy Veterans Day, America. What a glorious day in a glorious country, or as the Democratic Party describes it, hell’s racist toilets. But maybe after seeing their own grim handwriting on the wall, probably in a unisex bathroom, they’re trying to change their own warped view of America. Have you noticed a new word used by frustrated Democrats? It’s normal.

Yes, as inflation illegal immigration and crime spiral out of control, moderate Dems are trying to distance themselves from the idiotic ravel promoting critical race theory and 250 genders by saying, hey, we’re normal.

And I can’t blame them. They’re losing elections the way Kat loses hair extensions when she gets the spins. As the Biden administration destroys everything, it gets its grubby hands on. Remember how everything King Midas touch turn to gold?

Well, everything Joe touches turns to their parents, and says, mommy, why is this weird man’s nose in my hair? According to Axios, the news site, not my Greek personal trainer. You can crack walnuts on its gluts, and I shave. The word normal is the code word used to separate some Dems from their bonkers colleagues. They want Americans to know that the activist class within their party doesn’t speak for them, especially when they speak like this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

KAMALA HARRIS, VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: When us in government, we campaign with the plan. Uppercase T, uppercase P, The Plan! And then, the environment is such that we’re expected to defend, The Plan.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow. That was her doing a French accent while in France. And it was harder to watch than “The View” swimsuit special.

No wonder the White House keeps hiding or like a bust of Winston Churchill. She’s the vice president that has the administration saying let’s talk about Hunter Biden’s laptop. So, they sent her to Paris hoping she might learn something like why deodorant is so important. But at least Jimmy Kimmel knows why people don’t like her.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JIMMY KIMMEL, HOST, JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!, ABC: Americans really aren’t happy with this Vice President Kamala Harris. I think I know why Kamala’s ratings are low, besides sexism and racism, which are the obvious ones.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh, the obvious ones. Well, he is the expert on sexism and racism. Who can forget his pro-women work on the man show?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh, that’s progressive. And of course there is efforts on behalf of blacks.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

KARL MALONE, AMERICAN FORMER PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYER: Hello, everybody out there T.V. Town. This is Karl Malone of the Utah Jazz here to tell you about Karl Malone home state, Louisiana.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, I think he’s the last guy to call anyone racist or sexist. But that’s his penance for his own indiscretions. Smearing you, he thinks will take the heat off him. He’s like a — corporation going woke to hide their own corruption. And he smears a ton of people including his own party.

Remember, Harris dropped out of the primaries because she pulled it three percent. So, I guess according to Kimmel, that means 97 percent of the Democrats must be bigots.

But maybe the Dems don’t know what normal is anymore, after denigrating it for decades. Remember, two parent households were once normal. Now, anything qualifies as parenting. Love for country was once normal, but now we replaced a pledge to our flag with a pledge to BLM.

Respecting the police was once normal. Now, they’re jealous of Rodney Dangerfield. Keeping violent criminals behind bars was once normal. Now the norm is set them free like an injured bird, you nurse back to health.

And look, I hate normal. Believe me. This is what I did this morning before I came to work.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I hate normal. But the Democrats have moved the goalposts of normal into the parking lot across the street. Even Virginia Democrat Abigail Spanberger complains that Americans elected Biden to be normal and stop the chaos. You know, the chaos in the form of low taxes, control of our borders, record low unemployment, energy independence, revolutionary vaccines. That’s some crazy chaotic —

Well, Trump was so abnormal or what we used to call successful. But that stuff drove the elites crazy and it was all it took to galvanized them to get rid of him with completely fabricated scandals and a secret election cabal.

So, here’s the new normal courtesy of a crooked media.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: The best way to get something done if you — if you hold near and dear to you that you like to be able to — anyway —

I think I’m supposed to introduce someone but I’m not sure who am I supposed to introduce.

I’m Joe Biden.

I get you guys confused, you know.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. Now, unless you’re a child talking in your sleep, that is not normal. But maybe it comes down to Joe’s definition of normal, as long as his life retains its own normalcy, who gives a crap about yours? I mean, he just discovered under his leadership, that gas has gone up and not just the stuff coming out of his butt.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: Did you every think you’d be paying this much for a gallon of gas? In some parts of California, their paying $4.50 a gallon.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Thanks for noticing, Joe. Nothing gets by you except the occasional B.M. But he’s good with it. Because everything is normal in his cloistered world. He still has his nap at 2:00 p.m. which is usually when he’s being briefed about the latest national security threats. He swims nude at 4:00 p.m. which is odd since the public pool requires proper swimming attire. And he removes his teeth at 7:00 p.m. Sometimes earlier if it’s custard night.

And in between he fits in destroying Afghanistan. Then they lock him inside his room with a coloring book and a box of crayons. Joe says orange and red are his favorite flavors.

Tibet has more autonomy. The person in charge really has more people controlling him that Britney Spears. And yet I don’t think I’ve seen so many things go wrong in one administration at one time.

This White House is the political equivalent of an Alec Baldwin movie set. He hates the press and innocent people suffer. Remember those people who lied to us about that Joe is so moderate and so calm? True. He is so different from Trump. The same way my bikini pictures are so different from Margot Robbie’s.

Trump was in your face, but he was also in your reality. Joe is rarely to be found even when he’s standing in front of you.

It’s like talking to a hologram. And so, it’s dawning on the Dems. This is not better than a president who could call on reporters all by himself. You were placed the mean Twitter with inflation, crime, Afghanistan, the migrant crisis, a loss of order, and favorite divisive chaos that splits a nation in two.

I wonder what Joe has to say.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR (on camera): Look, look, look, I’m sick and tired of talking about what’s normal and what isn’t normal. Right? Look, I understand gas prices are not normal. But you know what else isn’t normal? OPEC. All right. You know, that stands for oil pack. You know that thing, right?

And you know what else isn’t normal? COVID-1972 is when I first got into this business. All right, I’ve been on this dance floor a long time, so I know normal.

You want to know something that’s not normal? I got a crappy painting I can sell you for half a million dollars.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

ANNOUNCER: Period.

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. She knows so much about security. We asked her to work the door. Former deputy national security adviser and author of the new book Revolution, K. T. McFarland.

People look up his tour dates to decide when to be out of town. Writer and comedian, Joe Devito. He’s written for top late night shows that are routinely beaten by this one.

Westernrazor.com owner, David Angelo. And finally, she’s co-hosted cops and been chased by them. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.

First, I’m concerned, David Angelo. You have a thriving razor business. How is the supply chain fiasco affecting your startup?

DAVID ANGELO, OWNER, WESTERNRAZOR.COM: Well, thanks for asking, Greg. I appreciate the interest in westernrazor.com. You know, the supply chain has been tough but, you know, we’re made in America. So, it’s a little easier.

GUTFELD: Oh really?

ANGELO: The only shortage we have out — we — every razors made with love. And those mines have been closed for months. So, we’ve had it some difficulty but we’re getting it together and they’re in stock so —

GUTFELD: Yes. There you go. How can you — what do you make of this return to normalcy, David?

ANGELO: Who’s normal here? I don’t — when Democrats say normal —

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR (voice-over): Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: Yes, but I don’t —

ANGELO: Democrats rebranding is normal. When I — when I think normal, you know, Nancy Pelosi and Adam Schiff don’t pop into my head.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: You know what I mean?

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: This reminds me like, it’s just one of those bad rebrand things like when Philip Morris was like, we’re Altria now. We’re like a pharmaceutical basically, and —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: Everything is cool.

GUTFELD: Yes. We’re no longer tobacco sticks. We’re this mysterious, whatever, that still makes cigarettes.

ANGELO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Anyway, K.T., it’s kind of interesting that Trumps abnormality in government was that he got — done. And that — worked. And that’s what was so abnormal. And now the return of normalcy is just consistent.

K.T. MCFARLAND, FORMER DEPUTY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: Nothing works anymore.

GUTFELD: Nothing works.

MCFARLAND: No. I worked for Donald Trump as his deputy national security adviser. In a lot of ways, he was like an idiot savant. He didn’t do a lot of studying of the stuff, but instinctively, he knew, OK, energy independence, secure the border, America First, build up national security, cut taxes, and it all worked. And it was just going great, as he says.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: And took over.

GUTFELD: Yes. What is the — what is the revolution refer to in your book?

MCFARLAND: That I think the country, the United States goes through these revolutionary periods every 40 years, and we’re in the middle of one now. And Trump was a revolution against the Republican Party.

What you’re seeing now in the Democrats is their civil war. They’re having a revolution where the loony left is trying to take you in the direction. But America goes through these periods.

And then we come out the other end, and we reinvent ourselves. And I think that’s what we’re doing right now.

GUTFELD: How fitting heavy Biden as president.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

GUTFELD: We’re coming out the other end.

MCFARLAND: Well, you know, Greg (INAUDIBLE).

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I get another poop joke applause. You guys tried to cheer me up my poop jokes. Joe, you tried to stop my poop jokes. And you know what? You failed because America wants the poop jokes. They applauded the poop jokes.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, it’s amazing how amazed Joe Biden was about the price of gas. It kind of makes me think that he’s not that engaged with the people that are suffering.

JOE DEVITO, WRITER AND COMEDIAN: JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Well, I think he’s more used to stagecoaches and whips. There’s more like from his time, his era.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: I think we’re really starting to look at Kamala now and say this is what’s supposed to be coming next.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: Because she just set a new record low approval rating for vice president below Dick Cheney, who shot his friend in the face.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: OK? Which usually knocks you down a little bit.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: And it’s so funny to watch that clip of her in France. She — they’re running out of places to send her that are not the southern border.

GUTFELD: Right.

DEVITO: And they send her there. She has the worst French accent since the cone heads.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: I’m surprised she didn’t laugh in French and just go oh, her usual fake laugh. So —

GUTFELD: You know, why don’t they tell her that they’re going somewhere and take her to the border? Right? What — like — it’s like, because she was probably excited to go to France.

DEVITO: Well, I’m picturing with one of those old timey suitcases that has the stickers on it that say Kathmandu, Paris.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: You know, instead of just saying just go to that part of Texas where Texas ends in California.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

DEVITO: And go take a look there.

GUTFELD: Yes. So, Kat, you know, you look at Joe and I’ve seen cremated remains that are more cognitively aware.

TIMPF (on camera): Oh.

GUTFELD: I would — how are they going to — like what is going to happen next? I know, that’s an open-ended question.

TIMPF: I think probably more of this —

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: — is going to keep happening and happening and happening. But also, again, it’s Kamala’s even less popular than Joe Biden is. Even though like to her credit, she can form a sentence.

GUTFELD: Right. Barely, but true.

TIMPF: That’s great, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: But she also hasn’t done anything which is why it’s so remarkable that her approval rating is so low.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like she hasn’t even tried anything yet or done anything yet. And it’s already so low. And every time she does something, it gets even worse. It probably was so low because that space video.

GUTFELD: Yes. I think, you know, they had hire — they had hired child actors to make her look realistic.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Which is weird.

MCFARLAND: But she’s a perfect life insurance policy for Biden. And that’s her function.

GUTFELD: Oh, that’s a brilliant point. You got to keep him alive.

TIMPF: Oh.

DEVITO: That’s a great plan. The guy is 150 years old (INAUDIBLE) true.

TIMPF: Like the way he acts even for his age, I saw my grandfather this weekend, right? And you know, he’s almost 90, and if he had started act like that, I’d be like, Papa, do we need to go to the hospital?

Like it’s not as — there’s — it’s not just the age. I mean, I won’t live to be 80. So, I can’t judge him.

GUTFELD: You call him Papa?

TIMPF: Papa? Yes. Hi, Papa. I’m sure he’s watching.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes. Angelo, they always say that’s the solution to all problems. Just call people Papa.

ANGELO: Yes. When the kids call a parent Papa, they’re well behaved, you know.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, that’s true.

ANGELO: You never have a kid like, hey, I’m not doing my homework. I don’t care what you say, Papa. It doesn’t happen.

GUTFELD: Yes, we learned something new.

Up next, artistic talent is in short supply for the man who was always hot.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: He’s as artsy as his father.

TIMPF: OK.

GUTFELD: He’s fartsy. Yes, The dude who used to love blow finally opened his show, but are his paintings as abstract as the shady deals it attracts?

On Wednesday, Hunter Biden finally showed up to the New York City Art Gallery where his paintings are being offered for up to a half million bucks apiece to buyers that are as anonymous as Tyler Perry in a Tyler Perry movie.

The family affair was detailed by the New York Post which is owned by our parent company Virginia Slims. Hunter brought his wife and kids — well, most of his kids. Joining about 60 guests for the private affair, including one art critic who said of Hunter, he’s a serious artist who work is terrific.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just been named ambassador to Costa Rica.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Apparently, Hunter didn’t ring up any sales. There were too many people watching.

But he already sold five prints for $75 grand each which buys a lot of coke. I mean, art supplies. The post also asked Hunter if he’d ever gotten his laptop back.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hunter, did you get your laptop back?

MELISSA COHEN, HUNTER BIDEN WIFE: It doesn’t exist.

HUNTER BIDEN, PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN’S SON: There’s always a smart-ass in the bunch.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: That was Hunter’s wife saying it doesn’t exist. Much like Hunter’s qualifications for the jobs he’s had. It doesn’t exist is the same thing Papa Joe said in the — about the deuce in his pants. All right, that’s going too far. But —

TIMPF: Come on.

GUTFELD: Kat, that’s too much for you.

TIMPF: Yes. And that’s how you know it’s bad.

GUTFELD: Yes. But hey, maybe we’re being too hard on Hunter. Maybe his paintings just need better marketing.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GRETA, HUNTER BIDEN’S ART BUYER: I thank the Lord the day I (INAUDIBLE) Hunter Biden’s artwork. As I was aging, the pain on my hips are getting worse and worse. But since I started using Hunter’s art, I am pain free. And the best thing is I get to play with my grandchildren again. Thanks, Hunter.

DEVITO: You see this original Hunter Biden artwork? I take this every day, I used to be in pain. And now I’m the ambassador to Belarus.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I’m Hunter Biden. Just because my art is being sold anonymously, and without transparency, it doesn’t mean that it’s not going to work for you.

Plus, every R.P.’s comes in one of these handy dandy shipping tubes, reusable for many things. So, try used to that.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: We have somebody on our staff who can play Hunter Biden. No one told me this. We could have started that months ago. Kat, I think what bothers me most about Hunter is that he can have fun despite all the —

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: The trail of this —

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: The trail of hell that he leaves behind. He has no conscious and I’m jealous.

TIMPF: Yes. No. I was — yes. I think everyone needs to admit that we are all little jealous of Hunter Biden.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: We are, right? There’s no depravity that he’s not that– like, it’s like forget the (INAUDIBLE) he banged his brother’s widow.

GUTFELD: I know.

TIMPF: When everyone’s —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: When (INAUDIBLE)

TIMPF: Yes, and everyone’s like, you poor complicated, beautiful soul.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like he bangs his brother’s widow. And then he can spit on the canvass and get half a million dollars.

GUTFELD: I know. I know.

TIMPF: When I spit, people are like you need to get out of here.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: It’s — I’m jealous. And people say they’re not jealous. They’re lying.

GUTFELD: Yes. I think he is — Joe, the perfect example of a man with no regrets. It’s like this is how they live. Correct?

DEVITO: When it’s his time to go, what is he going to say he wished he had done?

TIMPF: Yes.

DEVITO: What’s left?

TIMPF: Yes.

DEVITO: I mean, it used to be once all your teeth fell out, people said you’re good.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: You’re finished with the partying. That was just the start.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

DEVITO: I mean, now, he’s this amazing artist. First of these are, this is the worst money laundering operation. Because usually when people buy art, if — they don’t have a palmful of cash and hand it to you, it’s like, go get yourself something nice.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: That’s not usually how artists transact. Or on the other hand, it just made me realize maybe all art sucks.

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true.

DEVITO: I’ve seen the elephant’s painting. They’re better than his.

GUTFELD: No, it’s actually a good point, K.T. Maybe what Hunter is doing is a gift for all of us. He’s showing you how easy it is to scam the art world? Or is he just living off his dad?

MCFARLAND: Oh my God. OK. So, what this is all about is if you’re a foreign country, or foreign company, or a rich foreigner, you cannot donate or give money to an American political officer or American political candidate.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: This is their workaround.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCFARLAND: So, a lot of the money is not coming from people who otherwise are going to donate to the campaign. This is coming from foreigners, China, China, China, who are trying to buy favor and get access to that.

GUTFELD: It’s amazing, though. I have to say, David, you got to be jealous, you know. Here is a guy with so little talent that just continued to fail upward, unlike you.

ANGELO: Exactly.

TIMPF: Yes.

ANGELO: Like why can’t I stumble into that?

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: But, you know, something, I think you guys are giving them — they’re not — he’s not – the influence peddling.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

ANGELO: I think that’s overblown.

GUTFELD: Really.

ANGELO: This shows how far he’s fallen.

GUTFELD: Really?

ANGELO: You know, a few years ago he was, you know, doing drugs in a Ukrainian private plane, having the time of his life. And now he’s just like, hey, look what I drew.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: Ukrainians are like, oh, great Hunter, I’ll put it on fridge.

TIMPF: Yes.

ANGELO: His art, why did he do the — I want to advise him. It’s like you should — what you should have done.

GUTFELD: OK.

ANGELO: You should not be in painting. Your medium should be laptops.

GUTFELD: Right.

ANGELO: Be like Banksy, you leave him all over the city.

TIMPF: Yes.

ANGELO: You know. And then it kind of makes the other ones like, oh, is that just art?

GUTFELD: Yes. That’s true. That — that’s what it was all about. It’s actually performance art.

ANGELO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Or kind of a mix of technology and performance art. But I don’t think he thinks that way.

MCFARLAND: I don’t think he thinks.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: No, yes.

GUTFELD: That’s the secret of happiness, Joe.

DEVITO: He just blast through it. Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, he blast right through it. I really think that if we do a couple more positive segments about him, he’s going to do the show.

TIMPF: I admire him.

GUTFELD: Yes, I could come in a complete one — is it a 180 or 360? You know, 360 —

TIMPF: At 360, you’d be back restarted.

GUTFELD: Yes, which is the story of my life. But, I wouldn’t — like I’ve been making fun of this guy forever, and then I realized that maybe he is right, and I’m wrong. You just — you just exploit everybody around you.

ANGELO: Because you learn through him.

(CROSSTALK)

ANGELO: Greg —

DEVITO: At first I didn’t know that they were all different laptops. And when they were releasing the pictures, I thought, how much memory is on this hard drive?

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: That it’s got different folders for like, here’s prostitutes who homemade pornography. He’s lease is organized.

GUTFELD: Yes. Last word, David.

ANGELO: Greg, you know how to get them on the show?

GUTFELD: How?

ANGELO: Go buy a painting.

GUTFELD: Oh, there you go. See, that’s why you’re sitting over there.

ANGELO: Thank you.

GUTFELD: Yes. All right. Up next, if your employer is enforcing jabs, bankrupt them by keeping tabs.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Joe’s mandate sales pitch, it works as long as it’s snitch. Yes, he promised healing, but he’s more interested in squealing. And if you don’t get the jab your co-workers will blab, as a senile reformer calls for employee informers.

Starting January, Biden’s vaccine mandate will force all U.S. companies with at least 100 employees to require vaccinations or weekly COVID tests. And if they’ve been within six feet of Hunter, a battery of STD tests. Now, we’re not going to get them. So, if you want a job that doesn’t force you to take an experimental vaccine? Get elected to Congress.

And since there aren’t enough federal workers to handle the inspections because they’re too busy digging through your tax returns, they’re hoping Americans will rat on businesses that don’t obey. How very East Germany of them? Like censoring speech, this administration thinks oppression is OK, as long as it’s outsourced to the private sector.

Complaints can be submitted to OSHA, and they’ll file it with other dangerous workplace violations like using the wrong pronouns or saying Merry Christmas. And this snitching is getting contagious. In Scottsdale, Arizona, where it’s not the heat. It’s the stupidity, a school board member allegedly collected the private info of parents who spoke out against CRT and mask mandates.

A group of mothers — aren’t they all? Discovered divorce filings, social security numbers, photos and financial documents on a Google Drive, and a link to it was accidentally shared to one of the parents. If only that were in — if only that info were on a laptop, then of course it wouldn’t exist. My advice always stores your most private info where no one will ever see it. Like say, on the “Late Night” with Seth Meyers.

I was good — I was worried about that joke. So, I was wondering, does anybody know who that is? So, Joe, I don’t want to over play this, but then I wouldn’t have a job. It is how tyranny starts? You have citizens become the informants; you have citizens do the work of the government?

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Absolutely. I mean, who think you look at the East German model and think we got to get in on that?

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: We have to have. And I think East Germany, at one point had one in six people was an informant, which Biden would probably look at and say, well, we’re creating jobs.

GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.

DEVITO: It’s really — well, the thing is freaking me out is I had no idea that these school board meetings were so lit, that people are they’re really airing things out. You missed the good old days of normality when it was just teachers having sex with their students.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: That was all we cared about.

GUTFELD: That was the good old days.

DEVITO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. You got woke up. You looked at the mug shot you decided for yourself?

DEVITO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Was it worth it?

DEVITO: Exactly.

GUTFELD: Every man did that. I don’t care who you are. But that’s because it was always like a young woman in her mid-20s, and it was — I should just shut up.

K.T. MCFARLAND, FORMER DEPUTY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: Yes, I think you’ve done enough.

GUTFELD: Have I done enough, K.T.? Thank you. You should — you get to speak on my behalf at the tribunal?

MCFARLAND: I want to be your defense attorney?

GUTFELD: Oh, excellent. Even better. You know, it seems to me that the government is freelancing their police state, right? It’s like they’re turning private companies and citizens into free agent authoritarians.

MCFARLAND: Now, I think it’s actually, it’s that for sure, and that’s the main part of it. But they’re two other things going on. Number one, their virtue signaling to their supporters, because they’re about to be — this is all going to be declared unconstitutional, the mandates et cetera.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCFARLAND: They’re signaling to the woke left, hey, look, we tried, we really tried. But the other thing that, that they’re doing, which I think is more just pernicious, is that they’re setting Americans against each other.

GUTFELD: Right?

MCFARLAND: That their whole modus operandi is we’re going to get everybody fighting with each other. We’re the only ones who can solve it. And the only way we solve it is by big government Washington control.

GUTFELD: Yes. How is your company affected by these mandates in your 100 employees? Or is it just you in a basement stealing razors from Walgreens, and then scribbling your name across the package?

DAVID ANGELO, OWNER, WESTERNRAZOR.COM: We would never do that. And we have no mandates, Greg. No mandate.

GUTFELD: Really, that’s good.

ANGELO: Yes, but I — I’m not worried about mandates. I — are, are these, these snitches?

GUTFELD: Right, you’re not worried about the snitches?

ANGELO: No. Have you ever tried to call the government? You’ll be — these people are like, hey, I got a hot tip. 45 minutes later, I got to — you know what, forget it, it’s not that bad. It’s crazy. Also, these school board’s like — yes, why do they need this many people deciding what to talk about in school?

GUTFELD: Right. Why? What’s a better alternative?

ANGELO: Just like Math —

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: Reading. And then they got all these boards.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s what — the boards are our kind of administrative creations and because there’s all these other superfluous concerns.

ANGELO: Here’s how you get — here’s how you prevent your — the kids, they’re not cool enough anymore. OK, you know, I was ahead of the curve. The way I didn’t get programmed, I just, I was asleep every class.

GUTFELD: Excellent. Solved your problems.

ANGELO: So, we — that’s right, Greg.

GUTFELD: And now, you’re living in —

ANGELO: I don’t know how to put my pants on by myself. But I do OK.

GUTFELD: All right. All right. Kat, it seems to me that this is like the like, this is a war, right? Where we put the pandemic in a war filter, just like the war on drugs and the war in Afghanistan, which means that it can never end because we’re incapable of ending. The government cannot end wars, unless there’s a surrender or something. So, this will just keep going.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. And they don’t want to and I’m very anti-snitch. You know — like, I’m against snitches for drug dealers.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So, I’m obviously going to be against snitches for this. But how easy, this is so easy for them to say, you know, if you don’t — like if you stay inside and you cover your face, you’re a good person. And if you don’t, you’re a bad person. I think that that’s the easiest thing that they can possibly do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So, they’re not going to stop it. If anybody actually does do that, like snitch on some — that’s, that’s sad, but I’m happy that my tax dollars aren’t going to go to pay for a professional. You’re not requiring medical documents to get into my restaurant informants.

GUTFELD: You know it’d be great is if you are a snitch. OK, let’s — this is how I’d be pro-snitch. You have to leave your — it can’t be anonymous, right? It’s like, it’s like in Sweden they have this thing where they all of your tax returns are online, anybody can look at them. But if you look at it, your name — you have — your name is there, and then, then your neighbors know that you’re looking at their, at their stuff.

TIMPF: So, you want them all to die

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s exactly — I did not say that. You read my mind though. Coming up, this football games loser was Michigan’s top lawyer boozer.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: She nearly screwed the pooch after sucking in too much hooch. Michigan’s top cop apologizes for her drunken football flop. Dana Nestle, the Democratic Attorney General in Michigan has apologized for getting too drunk at a football game last month. She told her story in a posting along with this picture. That looks like me when I’m watching “FOX AND FRIENDS.”

She’s describing how she got so boozed up at the Michigan versus Michigan State game. Wow, that’s crazy! That she needed help leaving the stadium. She blamed it all on having two Bloody Mary’s on an empty stomach at the pregame tailgate, which doesn’t make sense because I have two Bloody Marys before I start drinking.

For me, that counts as food because it has a celery stick, too many spices. She explains, “My friends recommended that I leave so as to prevent me from vomiting on any of my constituents. My apologies to the entire state of Michigan for this mishap. But especially that Michigan fan sitting behind me.”

Tell me about it. But it’s like my gym coach used to say, alcohol makes bad things feel better. You know, he was right, but I was still sore the next day. We played a mean game of tetherball. You guys have really disgusting minds and sometimes I wonder if I have the right audience for this erudite, sophisticated brand of comedy.

Anyway poops, poo, poo, poo! Kat, you are the experts in this.

TIMPF: Oh, I am?

GUTFELD: Yes

TIMPF: I am.

GUTFELD: So, how was —

TIMPF: I’m the one who had five Bloody Marys on a plane on the way home from Florida recently, and wound up with gastroenteritis for a month.

GUTFELD: Are you talking about me?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: No, that’s why I’m not the expert. You’re the expert.

TIMPF: Oh, because I didn’t get gastroenteritis after I had five Bloody Mary.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. I just got GERD.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: I could be, I could be on every farm. Every commercial on Fox News. All right, I need, I need, I need relief factor. Can somebody roll relief factor new a burrito and show it down my throat? Why aren’t you answering my question? Should you apologize?

TIMPF: OK. No, I don’t think you should because she wanted Dartie, and she darted a little de parte. She darted a little too — she darted a little too hard, and she got sick and it can happen but I don’t like that she lied. OK.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Two Bloody Marys?

MCFARLAND: Oh, yes.

TIMPF: Were they made with colada pin? That’s not two Bloody Marys and I just don’t like her lying because honestly, you know her job if you lied to her like you go to prison.

GUTFELD: That’s true. If — you know, if she were a Republican, she probably would have charged herself.

TIMPF: Yes, she would have had to.

GUTFELD: Yes, she would have called it an insurrection.

TIMPF: Two Bloody Marys?

GUTFELD: There’s blood everywhere including in the drink.

TIMPF: You had 11 Bloody Marys. You had an edible. You got excited to darty. It’s OK, just say that.

GUTFELD: Maybe this will teach her a lesson, David. I don’t know what that —

ANGELO: It’s like — wait, am I supposed to chastise her for getting a little drunk on Halloween weekend? Because I’m not coming from a position of strength on that —

GUTFELD: No, no, it’s true. It’s true. She was at a tailgate. She had a couple of bloodies. Why, why is this a big deal?

ANGELO: Yes, it’s not. It’s like we — you know, the government is currently being run by satanic demon. This is low on my list.

GUTFELD: Where did you get that information, satanic? Are you watching Newsmax? That was said with love. Anyway, no, I don’t know. It’s like, my question is she — why does everybody have to apologize for what is considered basic daily behavior on my part?

MCFARLAND: Well, I think a lot of it has to do with Michigan.

GUTFELD: Right. Michigan.

MCFARLAND: Well, because we have a governor of Michigan who says you think gas prices are high now? Let’s just shut down the pipeline and launch heating prices that go through the roof. And then you got the former government governor of Michigan who’s now the Energy Secretary. So, when she was asked how are you going to bring down gasoline prices? She just leaned back and cackled.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: Like a Kamala Harris cackle — right on Halloween.

GUTFELD: That’s right.

TIMPF: A desperately needed darty.

GUTFELD: Joe, what is your — do you think she’s being completely honest?

DEVITO: No.

GUTFELD: No.

DEVITO: Unless you had a Bloody Mary transfusion. By the way —

GUTFELD: You have.

DEVITO: This — what is this a brunch tailgating with Bloody Marys? You’re supposed to be drinking beer. It’s like, oh, no, that eggs benedict I had was not sitting well during that — I threw up in the parking lot, there was hollandaise sauce everywhere. I think it’s, it’s, it’s dumb.

GUTFELD: Yes.

DEVITO: Because what she should have said was, I was about to throw up at a football game. So, instead of getting carted out, she should have said so I was looking for an Ohio State fan of Ramadan. And then everyone loved her in Michigan —

GUTFELD: Right. That would be clever. But I don’t know — like Bloody Mary is not a sophisticated drink. You can have it at a tailgate. It’s easy to – – all you need is Bloody Mary mix and vodka. What is it? Is that something out of the realm of your weird life? Do you just drink out of a bucket?

DEVITO: No. Well, I just, I just it’s sort of a morning drink.

GUTFELD: Well, you’re bright. I usually — but if I’m going to a game, I’m going to start in the morning, OK? But sometimes I’ll even start the night before and miss the game.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

GUTFELD: I’ve missed so many games. I’ve started tailgating and missed every game in one season.

DEVITO: That was just living out of your car.

GUTFELD: Yes, I was living out of my car at the time. But I wasn’t driving. Don’t drink and drive kids.

MCFARLAND: Didn’t you notice there was no mask. Why was she —

GUTFELD: Oh, there’s no mask. Yes, there you go.

DEVITO: She want to barf into it.

GUTFELD: That would be a problem. All right. Up next, did he fake a medical condition to get out of an uncomfortable position?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: He told a whopper, so he could ride in a chopper. Yes, he said he was dying of hypothermia, but it seems that he was lying-po-thermia. It works. A doctor has been charged with three crimes after allegedly lying about having hypothermia on Denali in Alaska. Is that a Saint Denali? In order to get a rescue helicopter to come and get him? Oh, that’s amazing. Wow! If you want to fly private, just do what we do and ask Hannity for a ride. Never work though, he always says no.

The incident occurred in May and the doctor got busted after text messages revealed that the real reason, he wanted a ride was that he lacked the equipment he needed to scale down the mountain himself. But what a dope. I do that all the time though. Two, I admit that I shouldn’t have called those cops claiming to be in cardiac arrest at Applebee’s. When I really had 18 skinny margaritas and needed a ride home. But at least I made sure to pee out the backseat window. Wow. That’s a — that’s the opposite of a joke that lands. You’re going to hear a pin drop like in Atlantis after that one. Why do people climb mountains, David, and don’t say because it’s there.

ANGELO: I wouldn’t — see this is why it’s important to decide if you’re either a nervous wreck or one of those psycho daredevils.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANGELO: Because when you’re in the middle, you get into trouble like this guy.

GUTFELD: Yes. That’s so true.

ANGELO: That’s what happened. I would have bet — they would have been like, hey, Dave, you want to go up the mountain be like — I’m good. You guys have a lot of fun. I’m going to stay the cabin. I’m make snickerdoodles for you.

GUTFELD: Yes, I would do that.

ANGELO: I’m not going on the mountain, though.

GUTFELD: Oh, no, no, no. And I often think you know, I think, Kat, mountains. No one thinks of it like, the mountain could have a consciousness. And it might be you might not like being climbed. It might be like, it might feel like headlice, having these little creatures crawling all over you.

TIMPF: I have not considered that. But this guy, I mean, look, he’s he also had climbed with his friend, and then he left his friend because he was sick.

GUTFELD: Like it’s a club and his friend went to the bathroom and he left somebody.

TIMPF: Yes, and then he took his friend’s phone and he texted the lie from his friend’s phone. And then he couldn’t make it down. I mean, this was a remarkable (BLEEP).

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: This guy clearly not an athlete or a good friend. And you know, just either — certainly not bros anymore.

GUTFELD: He won the gold, and he won the gold in deserting friends.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: That’s funny, though. I disagree. And it’s like, that’s OK. If you’re like at a club, but not when you’re on a mountain.

TIMPF: On a mountain.

MCFARLAND: Halfway.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Oh, you’ll look sick later,

MCFARLAND: I never plan — so he figured he was going to get up the mountain, but he had no idea I was going to get (INAUDIBLE). OK, and he’s a doctor, he’s an anesthesiologist. This is not a good career choice for him. I’m going to call Uber when it doesn’t go well?

GUTFELD: Exactly.

ANGELO: He’s an anesthesiologist. Yes, he should have just knocked himself out and rolled down.

GUTFELD: That is such a great job, by the way. Everybody loves an anesthesiologist. You’re out when they show up and they’ve got that calm voice next thing you know it’s over. It’s amazing. But I digress, just thinking about the next time.

Joe, I always found mountain climbers to be very selfish people, right? If things go wrong, they expect other people to clean up their messes.

DEVITO: Yes, I don’t know — wo we need to put warning signs on mountains now? might be dangerous. Yes, I — he made it to 17,000 feet.

GUTFELD: Right.

DEVITO: Which sounds pretty good. I know. I would make it to 17 feet. And then I would say to my friends, guys, this suck — there’s no snack bar. Let’s get out of here. Because I don’t, I’m with David on it. I feel no need to prove and I don’t have the skills. He talks about the equipment on a mountain. I don’t have that equipment, which is a pair of balls to do that stuff. I don’t have that. I got lost in the coals the other day. So, I was walking around there thinking, you know, I could use a Sherpa right now. So, yes, I think people who get themselves in trouble mountain climbing like they have no one to blame but themselves.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know, this is why, Kat, why like, you know, people should pick hobbies that if they’re bad at them, they don’t need to call a chopper.

TIMPF: You’d die.

GUTFELD: Yes, you know what I mean, it’s like, you could play cornhole and if you suck, you don’t have to call a helicopter.

TIMPF: Right. And also, is it that fun, like the last time I went on a hike and it was like a few miles 10 minutes in I was like I thought we were Just coming here to take an Instagram pic. I want to go home.

GUTFELD: Yes. Well, I guess you should get billed for it, right? That’s what he — that’s the fair thing, you should get billed for the helicopter ride which —

MCFARLAND: Yes, but thought that had already paid for it. That was the other thing.

GUTFELD: Oh really?

MCFARLAND: Because he says to his buddies, we can call a helicopter what’s already in initial price. We’re all set.

GUTFELD: Oh wow, that’s even funnier.

MCFARLAND: The Uber came with the —

GUTFELD: That’s even funnier. All right. Well, I’m glad he made it up part of the mountain. All right, we got to go. Don’t go away. We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks for all you veterans out there and thanks to K.T. McFarland, David Angelo, Joe DeVito, Kat Timpf, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Oprah Gutfeld, and I love you America.

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